Submit to the One

A beer bottle shatters on the ground in front of me and I know immediately that a piece of glass got my toe. SaSa and I went out on the town in Aix en Provence after the rehearsal dinner on a night called Festival of Music. The streets were packed with people for this festival that happened only once a year. We were in awe of the people, the noise, and the excitement of the city.

There was a courtyard off of one of the streets playing dance music. SaSa said, “we have to go dance!” As soon as we got closer, the music stopped. When we realized it must’ve been over (it was 1am!) we walked out of the courtyard into the street to go get a gelato treat. Then, the music came back on! We decided we had to go back and dance a little. As we were approaching, a young man threw a beer bottle on the ground and I knew right away that my toe had been hit. I mean, really?!? SaSa and I walked back into the street and I took my shoe off. My toe was gushing blood. SaSa immediately asked the first couple she saw, “Parlez-vous anglais?” Gratefully, this beautiful, English woman said, “yes!” She was with a French man and the two of them were in immediate, we will help you, mode. They saw my foot and knew we were two American girls in a foreign country who needed help. Alison, the woman, took a picture of my foot and called her nurse friend (who answered at 1am!). Kristoff (yes, that was his real name!) sat beside me and asked if I was OK and held up two fingers and said, “how much?” He also helped SaSa try to contact my parents using his phone.

Alison got off the phone and said that her friend thinks I probably just need to clean it, use butterfly strips, and bandage it up. He didn’t think I would need stitches if the bleeding stopped after holding pressure for 5 minutes. The bleeding definitley had slowed down, so we were now in search of a pharmacy.

Kristoff looked up the closest pharmacy and proceeded to say that we were all going to walk to it together and hope that we could get what we needed. We walked up and the lights were off. However, there was a window where you could call for someone. Kristoff pressed the button and a man came. We can now refer to Kristoff as Prince Kristoff! He communicated with the man all that we needed and proceeded to give him his credit card. SaSa offered twice to pay for it and he said, “no, I have a story to tell you.” Once the transaction was complete, Prince Kristoff handed SaSa that bag and told us how seven and a half years ago he was in America and a mechanic had helped him with his car and did it for free. He told Kristoff to do the same for an American one day in France. We were the lucky Americans, seven and a half years later! This dear couple, Kristoff and Alison, spent at least 45 minutes of their night with us and the fact that Alison spoke English and Kristoff spoke French was such a gift. Incredible! We hugged them and thanked them and they left.

SaSa then began to clean and bandage my wound. It was still bleeding and we had a 25 minute walk back to our Airbnb. As she was putting the antiseptic spray on it, a young boy approached us and said, “problem, problem?!” in his French accent. He saw what we were doing and he pulled his phone out and turned on the flashlight so Sa could see what she was doing. How precious! SaSa’s first question to him was, “do you have a car?” Haha, don’t worry, we didn’t get into a car with him. I’m not even sure if he could drive. Also, the streets were all closed down for the festival, so our option was to walk. I appreciated SaSa’s heart though!

So why am I sharing this? Truly, it was the Lord saying, “I got you.” Over and over and over again. He kept showing up in the sequence of events saying, “I got you.” This is such a reminder to me of God’s perfect ways, perfect timing, and perfect outcomes. Was I annoyed and even a little fearful at first, of course! Did I say, “did that really just happen?” And maybe a few other choice words, yes! However, as quickly as I felt those things, the Lord revealed himself and said, “Look, I got you!”

This time, in this circumstance, God responded and showed himself clearly right away. This isn’t always the case, but I sure am glad it was that night. Or else, I may still be sitting on the side of the road in Aix (clearly exaggerating).

We really needed help. I want this to be a story that helps me to notice, to open my eyes to what the Lord is doing around me all the time. To never lose sight of Him, especially in the midst of a difficult circumstance.

I am grateful that the Lord revealed himself to me again. I am grateful that He is with me. That His ways are better. That He provides and He’s got me. And this is always the truth in whatever the circumstance.

Thank you SaSa, Prince Kristoff, Alison, and teenage boy for showing me the Lord’s goodness and His amazing way of showing up. I just hope I keep my eyes open to see Him. He is always there saying, “I got you!”

I also know that what this situation taught me is truth for my heart in processing and healing after losing Hope and James. I will stand and trust and believe that He has got me. It reminds me of the verse from Exodus 14:13-14, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”

Why do the tears flow in the most inopportune times? Why in those times is it when I want to embrace the tears and just let them flow? I just finished watching the movie, “Gifted,” on an airplane en route to France. Yes, I said France. My dad’s cousin’s daughter is getting married in Aix en Provence. My sister lived with their family while spending time in LA and was invited to the wedding with a plue one. Guess who the plus one is? You got it, it’s me. So, here I am, with my sister and mom and dad, headed to the south of France.

The movie, “Gifted”, is about a man who was given custody of his sister’s daughter after his sister committed suicide. Not to spoil the movie, I will just describe the scene that wrecked me. The young girl, now 7, has never met her dad. After she had been greatly saddened by the fact that her dad could’ve come to see her but chose not to, her uncle noticed her pain and took her to a hospital waiting room. There was no explanation for his reason for this and it showed them sitting there for awhile. Then, a man walks into the waiting room in scrubs and announces to a group of family and friends, “it’s a boy!” They celebrated this news with hugs, happy tears, and sounds of joy. It was a beautiful picture that the uncle gave to his niece, explaining to her that this was exactly how her life was celebrated when she was born. The little girl asked to stay and see more of these announcements and celebrations.

And this is the part that started the tears to flow. Oh James, how I wish we could’ve celebrated you in this way. How I wish our announcement of you being born was of hugs, happy tears, and sounds of joy. This was not your story though. Your story is different. Your story is of incredible pain and loss for your mommy, daddy, sisters, and so many people. We were anticipating meeting you, holding you, having a boy around, learning all the boy things, and simply smothering you with kisses. This is not your story though.

My heart, our hearts, are aching. The sadness can be all-consuming. But- I love this word because it is so appropriate in our sadness- But, we have hope! James’ story is different and it is difficult to grasp, but he is experiencing a love like no other, a love that is completely pure, unconditional, and forever. Jesus. Because of Jesus, we have hope. And I will choose Jesus. I know that Jesus is worth following, knowing, and trusting. And I will do just that. Even when it hurts. Even when the tears flow on an airplane in front of so many people. Even when none of it makes sense.

And then, the Lord nudges my sister, who is sitting many rows up, to come and check on me. She sees me and knows me because this is the kind of sister that she is. She asks. She listens. She allows me to weep, even in this inopportune time. People are looking, wondering, and she reminds me that it is OK and holds me. Thank you, Lord, that you see me and that her presence is evident of that. Thank you for the ways that you provide in ways that go above and beyond.

I will choose gratitude. Gratitude for the tears and the raw emotions that go along with our James. Gratitude for a sister who is tender and near and is sad with me. Gratitude for a movie that stirs emotions and allows me to process my own. Gratitude for wine that is free. Gratitude for a husband who sends me to France with incredible excitement and who can’t wait to spend a week with his darling girls. Gratitude for time away. Time to think about Hope and James, who now, I know, are playing together in Heaven. Gratitude for Jesus. Gratitude for Heaven.

And now, to adventure around France. Here we are on our first night with tired, yet excited eyes, after the long journey…

Oh, the heartache when I see a tiny baby. My heart quite literally hurts. I try to put on my strong, happy for you, face. I’m most certain the baby’s mommy has no idea what is going on in my head and heart (unless they know me). I also recognize that there are so many stories out there. My story is just one of the many pains that go along with having children or the not having children. It is all such a mystery. I am a mom who is experiencing pure joy in having two healthy baby girls that the Lord has given me to raise, brush hair, read books, and sing songs. While at the same time I am experiencing tremendous sorrow, as He has also taken away two babies who never even took their first breath. The reality is that each one of my babies belongs to the Lord first. They are ALL a GIFT. I know that being a parent requires a posture of surrender, open hands, and release of our children. Oh how difficult that can be, but what great relief at the same time.

I know that the hurt will lessen over time. I know that I will want to hold my friend’s tiny baby one day. I know that it is completely OK that I can’t right now. I know that I love babies and I love that women all over are having healthy babies, including some of my dear friends. I know that there are women who have longed for a baby and weren’t able to conceive. I know that some babies are born with a difficult circumstance that impacts everything about them. I know that tiny babies are everywhere and that it is what makes the world go round. So, I will submit my heart and my hurt to Lord over and over and over again. I will seek healing. I will seek Him. I will trust that in the not understanding and the mystery of it all, I have a Father who sees me and who is so so good.

One of the reasons I am writing this blog, is that more than anything else in my life I have had a hard time communicating my heart with this portion of my story that the Lord has allowed. What I do know about myself is that the best way that I can communicate with the Lord and with people in my life is through writing. Usually all of that writing goes into my journal that no one else reads, but as I sat at the resevoir (picture above) a few short weeks ago, I felt a nudge to share. It might simply be an accountability for me to make time and space to process and heal (because in the reality of what my life looks like right now, there is no time and space). It might just be for my family and friends who want to know how I am doing. However, it may become a place for someone who has experienced the same pain (or any pain) and just wants company.

As I was driving to the resevoir that beautiful day, I was a bit all over the place. It was the first day I planned for a time to just be. Josh had offered it many times, but I just couldn’t imagine being alone. It was only a couple of weeks after we said goodbye to James, at 18 weeks, our fourth child.

Again. This word kept creeping in. It has happened again. Part of the again is comforting. We know how this feels, we know that it will be hard and sad, we know that people will pray, we know that people will show up, we know that God will provide what we need when we need it. But the other side to this again is more difficult to digest. What is the purpose of this again? Didn’t we learn and grow and change for the better after the first time? Didn’t we cling to your promises and share our story? What could possibly be the purpose in again? It felt harsh, is what I would say to Josh. It is so hard to understand.

We often talk about how we miss Hope and wish we could’ve had her with us here, but we also talk about how much her tiny life taught us many things. We did learn and we did grow and we did change for the better.

Purpose. There is always a purpose. For everything. I trust that even in the again, there will be a purpose. I will wait and see what that may be and what the Lord is leading us to do. In the same way that Hope’s life has had incredible purpose, I know that James’ will too. And this is the hope that I will cling to for now.

As I sat at the resevoir, the four geese in the photo above, a set of what looked like a mom and a dad and two children, circled around me on my picnic blanket many times. After a few times, I knew that the Lord was showing me something. He wanted me to notice what He has given me here and now. I have a husband and two children. He wants me to live in the fullness of what is right in front of me. While He knows that my heart is aching, He also knows that I needed to be reminded of the gifts.