being held

Our sweet Elly girl has been averaging a major meltdown about once a day over the last few weeks or so and has been so emotionally needy of me. It has mostly been at bedtime (of course). Josh and I have had many conversations about what it could be about and we have come up with quite a list. We have tried multiple ways of discipline, reasoning (which we all know 2 year olds can’t reason), bribing, etc. Last night it happened again and we were at a loss.

It ended when I took Elly into our guest room, sat in the chair and held her. I rubbed her back and prayed over her. She fell asleep all snuggled up in my arms. As I was holding her I felt the Lord say to me, you aren’t the only one going through this pain. I wrote in another post about how I felt like Elly has been attentive to me and in a sweet way has given me great nourishment in her ways of acknowledging James.

Recently, she will just run into my arms and hug me around my neck so hard and not let go. She has needed a lot more attention. I’m not trying to over dramatize anything, maybe it is just because she is two and maybe her new big bed has been a hard transition, but I want to pay attention to her and let her feel sad when it seems like she is just feeling sad (with me).

I saw more clearly last night how my emotional turmoil is deeply affecting my little girl. As much as I want to protect my girls (and Josh) it is very difficult to do right now. I know that I am experiencing a myriad of emotions and I know that they have noticed.

So for now, I will hold Elly. She just wants to be held.

And isn’t that so true for me too. I just want to be held. I just want the comfort and affection that go along with being held. My mom texted me and said, “during these moments picture Jesus holding you.” That is exactly what I will do.

Held- Natalie Grant