One of the reasons I am writing this blog, is that more than anything else in my life I have had a hard time communicating my heart with this portion of my story that the Lord has allowed. What I do know about myself is that the best way that I can communicate with the Lord and with people in my life is through writing. Usually all of that writing goes into my journal that no one else reads, but as I sat at the resevoir (picture above) a few short weeks ago, I felt a nudge to share. It might simply be an accountability for me to make time and space to process and heal (because in the reality of what my life looks like right now, there is no time and space). It might just be for my family and friends who want to know how I am doing. However, it may become a place for someone who has experienced the same pain (or any pain) and just wants company.
As I was driving to the resevoir that beautiful day, I was a bit all over the place. It was the first day I planned for a time to just be. Josh had offered it many times, but I just couldn’t imagine being alone. It was only a couple of weeks after we said goodbye to James, at 18 weeks, our fourth child.
Again. This word kept creeping in. It has happened again. Part of the again is comforting. We know how this feels, we know that it will be hard and sad, we know that people will pray, we know that people will show up, we know that God will provide what we need when we need it. But the other side to this again is more difficult to digest. What is the purpose of this again? Didn’t we learn and grow and change for the better after the first time? Didn’t we cling to your promises and share our story? What could possibly be the purpose in again? It felt harsh, is what I would say to Josh. It is so hard to understand.
We often talk about how we miss Hope and wish we could’ve had her with us here, but we also talk about how much her tiny life taught us many things. We did learn and we did grow and we did change for the better.
Purpose. There is always a purpose. For everything. I trust that even in the again, there will be a purpose. I will wait and see what that may be and what the Lord is leading us to do. In the same way that Hope’s life has had incredible purpose, I know that James’ will too. And this is the hope that I will cling to for now.
As I sat at the resevoir, the four geese in the photo above, a set of what looked like a mom and a dad and two children, circled around me on my picnic blanket many times. After a few times, I knew that the Lord was showing me something. He wanted me to notice what He has given me here and now. I have a husband and two children. He wants me to live in the fullness of what is right in front of me. While He knows that my heart is aching, He also knows that I needed to be reminded of the gifts.
Submit to the One 